Castiel Meets The Pizza Man
by Optimistic Lyricist
Summary: Dean orders pizza...and lets Cas get the door. Now Castiel has a few questions for the pizza man.


Dean is watching tv on his couch in a motel room. It's late at night. Sam is in the other room sleeping.

Dean looks back and forth, left and right to make sure no one's around to see what he's about to do.

A grin comes to his face as he changes to the "Naughty Channel", where a man and a very bodacious woman exchange corny dialogue and bad acting as the man delivers his pizza.

Just as they are about to "get down to business" on tv, out of the blue, Castiel pops up next to Dean.

"Why does the pizza man always slam the woman against the wall? Doesn't it hurt her?"

Dean jumps out of his skin, startled out of his mind.

"Crap! Dammit, Cas!"

"I'm sorry, Dean. Did I startle you?"

"Damn right you did!"

Dean calms down and pulls himself together for a bit. He lets out an air of steam.

"Look, first of all, how many times do I have to tell you...DON'T DO THAT! Second...we don't talk about porn! If you're really gonna be here, just pop a seat and enjoy the show but don't talk during it or about it. Ok, Cas?"

"Okay, Dean."

"I didn't mean to holler at you."

Dean picks up a can of beer.

"You want one?"

"No, thank you. The last time I indulged in alcohol consumption wasn't exactly satisfactory. It made my brain hurt."

Dean opens it.

"Suit yourself."

Dean drinks it.

KNOCK KNOCK

A knock is heard at the door. A grin comes across Dean's face.

"Ah...perfect timing! You mind getting that Cas?"

A curious look comes across Castiel's face.

"Are you expecting someone?"

"Yeah. I ordered some food. If you get it, I'd share it."

"Okay, Dean. I'll go get it."

"Oh, and take this."

Dean pulls out some money out of his pocket and hands it to Castiel.

"When the guy asks you for the money after he gives you the food, give this to him."

Castiel takes it and goes to the door.

He opens the door to see a young early twenty something skinny guy with short hair, a goatee, a black cap, a red shirt, and a box of pizza in his hand.

"Hey man. How's it going?"

Castiel looks petrified.

"Are...are you the pizza man?"

"Yeah, I have a large Meat Lover's Pizza. This looks like the place so you wanna just get this over with now? I have other customers waiting for me."

Castiel examines the man from head to toe with a perplexed look on his face. He gets all in his face, eye to eye with the pizza guy who looks pretty confused and uncomfortable now.

"Are...are you gonna push me against the wall like the woman in the movie?"

The pizza guy's eyebrows rise in shock.

"Well, it's not exactly in the job description and I really have to go for the next delivery..."

Suddenly, it dons on him what Castiel is implying.

"...wait, are you comparing what I do to what you've seen in porn?"

"Dean said the pizza men in these films...porn as you call them...are very expressive with their emotions. Do you like to express yourself?"

The pizza guy is dumbstruck; almost speechless.

"Uh...um...well I guess...but you should probably ask this Dean guy to explain to you what porn is, man. This isn't exactly your normal pizza guy to customer conversation, you know?"

"Dean said we shouldn't talk about it."

"You could always ask someone else. I mean, Dean can't be your only friend rig...oh, wait...he's not your boyfriend is he?"

"He is a very good friend, yes. Though I consider him more of a man than a boy."

"Woah...too much info, bro. I mean, whatever floats your boat, but I'm just the pizza guy."

Castiel stares even more inquisitively at the pizza guy, almost to the point of suspicion.

"Yes...you are the pizza guy. Why do so many people in your line of work like to smack the women you love during intercourse?"

The pizza guy looks confused and appaled.

"I...WHAT?! I've never hit...people don't actually...wow...I can't believe we're having this convo...pizza guys don't actually...have sex with their customers!"

"From what I've seen, many of them do."

A lightbulb goes off in Castiel's head. He looks a bit petrified now.

"We're not going to have sex are we?"

The pizza guy's mouth drops. Again, he's a bit speechless. Lost for words.

"Um...dude you know films aren't ever even accurate right? Especially the dirty ones. Porn was made so people could get off. And NO we're not having sex!"

Castiel looks relieved, but also a bit perplexed.

"Oh...good...what does...'get off' mean? Get off of what?"

The pizza guy looks dumbfounded.

"I...dear lord...it's...slang for orgasm. You know what an orgasm is right?"

Cas nods yes.

"Good. Guys...and some girls, depending on who you're asking...watch porn so they can masturbate and have orgasms."

Castiel looks confused.

"Masturbate...I'm not familiar with this term. Could you explain it to me?"

The pizza guy is more dumbfounded than you can even imagine now.

"You're kidding."

Castiel still has that same oblivious look on his face he always does.

"Wow...you're not kidding. Good God. Um. You touch yourself. You, ah - I got it! In this porn, did the guy...um...wrap his hand around his, you know...penis?"

"Yes, he did. And as soon as he did..."

Castiel's eyes light up in shock.

"...oh my...people enjoy doing that?"

The pizza man giggles a bit.

"Oh yeah dude, it's as close to having sex as you can get without having a partner."

"If they don't have a partner, what's the point of having sex? Sex, afterall, is the celebration of love between two human beings who love each other."

Pizza guy has a "Really?" face going right now.

"Dude...what are you from? The 1800s? It's not really like that any more. Most people have sex because it feels good, or because they're sad, or because they have too much to drink and wind up in bed with someone they barely - that isn't the point, but, sex is a bit more casual now than it was back in the day, or wherever you're from. I mean, people still have sex for love, but not everyone does. If that makes sense."

Cas looks a bit disappointed and confused.

"I think it makes sense. I still don't quite follow. I always thought...it was about love...I'm...so people have sex just out of sadness?"

"I mean, not always. Some people get sad and have comfort sex, I guess, that was never really my thing. Sex brings you close to people so it kinda makes the pain go away for a little bit. Unless your into that kind of thing, but you can ask your pal Dean about that, I'm not gonna go there"

Castiel is starting to get it now.

"So it's something to make you...happy? Hmmm..."

"Yeah. Chemically speaking it releases dopamine in your brain, which is the thing that gives you happy feelings...so."

"I see."

There's a bit of awkward silence for a couple seconds.

"So...you're gonna pay for this pizza? I really do have other customers."

"Oh...right. Sorry."

Castiel takes the box of pizza and hands the pizza guy the money.

"Thank you. For the pizza and not slamming me against a wall."

The pizza guy takes the money.

"Thanks man, and no problem. Next time you probably shouldn't ask strangers these sorts of things ha ha. Not everyone's as nice as me and they may get the wrong idea. And if Dean doesn't answer your questions, you can always Google it, though you might wanna keep safe search on hahaha!"

Castiel, again, looks confused.

"I'll remember that...what's Google?"

"Geez man! How do you not know...ugh...does Dean know how to use a computer? The least he can do is show you how to use it."

"Yes, him and his brother Sam share one. I've never even thought about using it until now."

"You should use it. Anytime you need a question answered."

"I'll definitely keep that in mind next time I have a question."

"Cool. Good luck with your questions man. Enjoy the pizza!"

The pizza guy walks away.

Cas: "I'll try."

The pizza guy waves back to Castiel before hopping into his car.

Castiel goes back inside and hands the pizza box to Dean, still watching his porn.

"That took awhile. The Hell was that about it? Thanks by the way."

"We were just talking. Contrary to how he's portrayed in your films, the pizza man is a really nice man."

Dean looks confused at first, but then just says...

"Whatever."

He picks up his beer.

"Dean, can you teach me how to use a computer?"

"Why do you need to use a computer?"

Dean drinks his beer.

"I want to learn about masturbation."

Dean spits his beer out all over the tv.

END


End file.
